Imposter Syndrome [CC]

Let's get real, Imposter Syndrome happens, so what do you do about it? #Authortube

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Revisiting Neil: Is My Gremlin Locked? - The Creative Process

REVISITING NEIL: IS MY GREMLIN LOCKED?

A while ago, I talked about my writing gremlin. I named him Neil and talked about the steps I'd taken to quiet his voice. You can find those pieces here and here. However, it been a few years and things have changed and so I thought I would talk about how Neil still has an effect on me, even after all this time as a writer. In all honesty, I don't think there will come a time when I *don't* feel Neil's presence. I have more experience than I did a year ago or more, but I do have an anxiety disorder and I know I have problems with self-esteem and all of that.

So how do I move forward? How do I make it work for me, knowing that I am probably always going to hear those whispers of both imposter syndrome and also not feeling like I am enough writing wise? Some of it is trial and error, some of it comes from being able to implement the tools my therapist has given me and some of it is also gaining confidence in my own ability and work. All of that together can lead to being able to quiet that voice to a hushed whisper and ignore it on days when it hits me hard. So how do I manage that? I'm going to give you some of my tips, while also asking you to bear in mind a few things. I am not a trained psychologist or doctor. I am also only able to give you tips that work for me. They might not for you and that's okay. You just need to find the tools that will.

#1 - A SUPPORT NETWORK
The one big thing you need as an author, a writer, well anyone really, but in this instance writing, is a support network. Whether that's people online or in your life, you need people that you can go to with your worries and know that they will hear you out and help you deal with things. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to B or Kim, who are both in contact with me daily, and had a worry shared and them talk it through with me. I know that I am very lucky to have that and it's not always easy for people to find their people as it were, but these can come in the shape of critique partners or betas, fellow authors and readers. It doesn't have to be all offline people, you make the friends where you do and family can, sometimes, also be a good support network.

#2- KEEP IT REAL
While there is a lot to be said in presenting a confident front, and I agree with that to a point, people, as in readers and others, will want to know that the person they see is the same person writing the book. What I mean by this is, it's okay to have moments where you struggle. While it's probably not best to rant about it on your twitter or blog talking about how you suck and should never write all the time, it's okay to have blips. Everyone has them and that just makes you human. To continue on this note, it's okay to not need to do that. I personally don't take the down moments and put them on my social media. Simply because I have a great support network and it doesn't need to happen. However, I completely get that for some people their support network is on those sites, so I'm not going to pretend that you shouldn't allow yourself that support however it comes.

#3 - REMEMBER YOU'RE NOT ALONE
I know this plays somewhat into the support network and all of that, but a big thing for me is remembering that I'm not the only person, creative or otherwise, to feel this way. Confidence is something some people have and others don't. I wish it was as simple as just writing something and being amazed by it, but then again I look back and realise just how far I've come, which I'll cover in another point. Remembering that you're not alone helps me, it reminds me that everyone struggles and that it's okay to do so. Sometimes you need to reach out for help, and that's okay.

#4 - LOOK HOW FAR YOU'VE COME
This is a big one for me as well. I look back at the first draft of a book and then remember as I went through each stage of revisions. With every new draft, that book has transformed from the idea to the finished product. And it's okay to remember that while I loved Blackout when it was done, I have grown as a writer, I will continue to grow as a writer. I keep writing and I'm always going to keep growing and that's so important for someone to realise. Where you start with a first draft is often miles apart from where you finish. It's a great boost to be able to look at the end product and remember that the project you're working on now will one day get to that stage and will be so much better for it.

#5 - ASKING FOR HELP IS OKAY
It's okay to need more than just friends and tips from a blog. It's okay to need medication and therapy. There is nothing wrong with any of those, and if you need help, it's okay to ask for it. Like I said, I've got medication, I've got a therapist, and if you need that, then you need it. I can't advocate enough for getting the help you need to be the best person you can be. There's no shame in it, at least in my eyes.

So those are my five tips on dealing with gremlins. I wish it were as simple as locking them in a cage and throwing away the key, but mental health and the things that go along with that sometimes need more. They also don't generally just go away. It's a lifelong thing and everybody has some level of anxiety. It's when it becomes something you can't move past that you need to realise that getting help for it doesn't make you a bad person.

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Conquering Your Gremlin [CC]

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On Mental Health - The Creative Process

ON MENTAL HEALTH

In the run up to my eleventh book being released, and approaching the end of both my seventeenth and eighteenth books I'm aware that I'm not really feeling how I would usually. Those who know me know that up until this year, I was quite happy releasing one book a year, but being picked to do my first signing in October 2017, I felt like I should try at least and see if I could manage two books a year. And I'm happy to say that I have. On June 30th, It's Not Always Rainbows will be released in both Kindle and paperback. On top of that, I'm writing daily, or almost daily and managing to speed my way towards the end of both the second in the Lights Out trilogy and the first book in a brand new series called Cramping Chronicles. So why am I struggling? Why am I not out there happy and cheering and all the rest that goes with that?

It's not something I talk too much about, or go into much detail about because I like keeping my personal life personal and my public life doesn't need to be bogged down by the lows of my health. That said, I do include a section in my Life Of Joey videos every month where I give you guys a brief overview of my health. And even that, I've been told by some, is too much. There are a few reasons I do this and I'll break them down for you here:

1. I am disabled and my conditions are nothing to be ashamed of.
2. I know that there are many aspiring authors as well as professional authors I admire who also have similar conditions.
3. I see no reason to omit a huge part of my life, and productivity from that video.
4. I'm a young adult author, so I know there are other teens and young adults who are also disabled and not hiding the conditions allows them to know that they have representation in me.

To break down my conditions, since I'd be here a long time if I listed them all. I have a lung condition as well as several other chronic physical and mental conditions. The ones I'm going to talk about the mental health conditions. I've had depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. They, like my physical conditions go up and down and I have both good days and bad. Right now, because of ongoing health issues and waiting for a new drug to finally get started, my mental health is on the bad side Normally when this happens, I power through, see my therapist and talk to friends and go from there. I plan to do that, I am doing that. Yet because this drug could be started from anywhere from next week to next month and beyond, my feeling is that this bad time is going to be here for the moment.

Now I know some people will say: But Joey, you're always so happy on your videos! Or: But Joey, it might not be so bad, look on the bright side. To the first I say, yeah being depressed doesn't mean you never smile, never laugh and never have fun. And to the second I don't have an appropriate response that's suitable for a blog. You can probably imagine it, it's two words. I get that people want to help and I get that if you've never had depression it's hard to imagine what that's like, but for me losing myself in my writing and talking to friends, losing myself in a good book, all of these help me.

So why not just do that? Why am I bitching and moaning here? I guess because I am very aware that if I have days when I feel like writing is not enough, then there are other people who might feel the same. I know I did a piece a few weeks back about when you want to give up writing (found here) and this is not a repeat of that. This is more a post to explain that while I am very positive and happy in my videos, in my posts and in general. I do have depression and I do have anxiety and I do work very hard to maintain that positive and happy side of myself.

And yet, right now I am struggling. I would usually have a writing advice piece on the blog today, but today I decided that instead, I would give you a glimpse behind the mask I wear. If nothing else, it might make someone out there know that they're not alone. It helps me to know that. As much as I wish that no one else had days like I'm having right now, I know there are. And for those people, I just wanna say, yeah I hear you.

So today, take a moment, take a breath and remind yourself that, even though it's a platitude, you have made it through 100% of your worst days so far, you got this one down too. I hope you have a happy day today and if not, then tomorrow. Keep going. Keep breathing and keep writing. I know I will.

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Dealing With Self-Doubt [CC]

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"It takes as long as it takes." - The Creative Process

"It takes as long as it takes."

This is not my usual kind of post. Normally I blog on the subject of writing advice and while I know that it's just my opinions, it's nice for me and my readers to have insight into my process. That's not what this post is about. Before I go any further, I want to give a little background information. Some of it you'll be aware of if you're a long time reader, but others coming across this for the first time won't know me and my history.

I am a chronically ill indie author. I have several physical conditions that mean I use a wheelchair full time. I can also be seen using oxygen and other medical aids. The exact conditions are not relevant and it's not something that you need to know. I've been sick for about fifteen years, but I also have mental health conditions and have battled with depression and anxiety longer than I've been physically disabled. I was retired from an office job at the age of nineteen, and was told that I probably wouldn't work a conventional job again, so I became a writer. For eleven of those fifteen years I have been a published author, and for the past five years, an indie author. That's the history over with.

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine. She was, at one point, my editor and is the reason that Dying Thoughts - Third Wish, and Waiting On You are as error free as they are. She helped to shape them into the books they have become. We're still really good friends, we were before she was my editor and we will be, I hope, for many more years to come. She is one of two people I know I can go to when the mood hits low and I'm struggling. The other is my carer, and best friend of twenty plus years.

As anyone with depression will know, it has it's ups and downs, as do most chronic conditions. For the majority of the time, I am well medicated and stable, but there are times, like recently, when I fall into a black hole and can't quite find it in myself to climb out. This is one of those times. I'm climbing out slowly, but as I make my way to the top, the odd rock slips and and I falter or fall and have to start anew. I was talking with my friend, Kim, about all the wishes I had for my author career and how I was beating myself up because I hadn't achieved all my goals of 2015, and was nowhere near the ones for 2016. I know that may sound strange because, come on, it's February! But it's how my mind works.

We talked back and forth about the things I had accomplished and I kept knocking it back with how I'd been doing this for over a decade and yet I still hadn't gotten very far. I was beating myself up over not being a best-seller when in truth, it's only been five years since I properly entered the indie author world. She kept making good points, but with the blackness of the depression, I couldn't see them. And then she said one thing to me that has stuck with me. "It takes as long as it takes."

It's a simple phrase isn't it? One that really shouldn't hold as much meaning to me as it did. I'm asking of myself the impossible, to have reached the stars because I had been trying for so long, yet what Kim said is true. It will take as long as it takes. The point is, to not give up, to not let whatever life throws at you steer you off course completely. I mean, it has an effect, of course, when I spent a week in the hospital, I was going to miss out on writing, that's just a fact, but that doesn't mean that I'd failed and should just give up. It will take as long as it takes to write these books, to get those reviews, to sell those copies, to get that signing, to get the readership you want and to reach the place you want to be. To be honest, you never stop aiming higher as an indie author, or in any dream job, I don't think anyone reaches a point where they stop dreaming, stop setting goals for themselves and aiming to do better. I could be wrong, but for me my first dream was to have my book on people's bookshelves, then it was to have more books, then to finish ten and so on and so on. Dreaming is about aiming for something just out of reach and striving to achieve it.

But, and I often forget, as I'm sure you have, it takes as long as it takes. Don't fail to dream because you missed one deadline. That doesn't make you a failure or a fake. It makes you human. Stand back up, climb out of the pit, keep going and whenever that whisper of rejection or criticism comes to you, remember it takes as long as it takes.

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My Internal Critic: How I Dealt With Neil - The Creative Process

(Neil the Gremlin drawn by Paris)

My Internal Critic: How I Dealt With Neil

So, in my last post (found here) I introduced you to Neil. Neil lives in my mind and is never nice to me. He's mean, spiteful, causes me stress and worry and tells me I'm not good enough at writing to have been published. He tries to convince me to give up what I do and just sit in a corner rocking back and forth because I'm a useless waste of space. Neil is a gremlin, he's also my internal critic and I'm sure that some of you have a similar gremlin residing in your mind, that little voice that tells you how crap your writing is, or how your art sucks, or how you suck. In the first piece, I told you how Neil had affected my career and now I'm going to tell you how I dealt with him so that he now lives in a cage in the dark recesses of my mind.

It's not easy, and I'll be the first to admit that there are times when he escapes, but once you have the tools to deal with the abuse and negativity he flings at you, it's easier to put him back in the cage and apply a new lock to the door. I use several methods and while I am sure there are many good articles that will tell you other ways to silence your internal critic, this is my take on it. (But here and here (YouTube Video) are some other good ones).

#1 - PERSONALISE YOUR INNER CRITIC
My first step in taking control of my gremlin was to give him a physical form. I saw him in my head as a green blob, with slimy skin and a pair of glasses that just added to his stern look. After I'd done that, I named him - Neil - and used that to develop a relationship with him. As other writers more experienced than I have said, you can't get rid of your critic forever, as tempting as it may be. Your gremlin is there to help you get through life and make decisions and although sometime they go into overdrive and need to be reigned in, they do still need to be able to talk with you.

#2 - WHEN THINGS GET BAD, TAKE A BREAK
When I'm working, whether writing a chapter, doing editing, or writing one of these pieces for my blog, and Neil pops his head up to start yelling at me to stop because I'm nothing special and am crap at all I do, I take a break. I step back from what I'm doing and I give Neil a chance to finish his tirade and once he's done, I move onto the next step.

#3 - DISCUSSIONS WITH GREMLINS
When you're faced with criticism, whether it's your own or someone else's, you usually get the chance to discuss what they feel the problem is. So, if I'm writing a chapter and Neil tells me that the character hasn't been developed enough, or my joke is not funny, or that bit is totally unrealistic and why am I calling myself a writer anyway? That's when I have a frank discussion with him. There is nothing wrong with talking to your gremlin out loud. I know that for me I need a good talk through of problems before I can find a solution or move past the situation. It works the same when Neil starts to rile himself up and questions every word I choose to write. I ask him why he doesn't like that character? What is it about the words I am using that makes him think it doesn't reflect any skill? He may be pointing out something that I had missed, or it may just be a case of me reminding him that it's just a first draft and as someone famous once said, "the first draft of everything is shit!"

#4 - GET OUTSIDE VALIDATION
If I get to the point, as I did with WAITING ON YOU before it went to my editor, where I feel that maybe I should just press delete and release a different book, when Neil has convinced me that it is a worthless pile of words that will make no sense to anyone and will only show the world how awful I am as a writer, I turn to other people. Your internal critic is part of who you are. For some people, when they personalise their gremlin they see a person, their mother, a friend, a teacher that disapproved of their work, but for others, they realise it is just themselves, their own voice bringing up subconscious concerns about their work. For me, I have two people in my life whose criticism and judgement I know I can 100% trust in regards to my work. One is my editor, Kim (which is why she's my editor) and another is my best friend, B (who's also my cover artist). When I get to that point of despair, I call up Kim and talk it through with her. Or I ask B about a certain situation - she's read every word I've written and will always tell me if something needs to be changed or removed. Just as Kim will. They will be brutally honest with me, without tearing me to pieces. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to tell you if that voice is just nerves and concern, or if there really is an issue you're not seeing.

#5 - REMEMBER HOW FAR YOU'VE COME
As with any job, you don't produce excellent, ground-breaking, best seller work the second you start. It takes time to become settled in your career and to know what does and doesn't work. When your inner critic is reminding you of how much of a failure you are, take a second to look back and recognise what you've achieved in your writing life (and outside it too). Remind yourself that you have talent, that the first draft is where everyone starts and that you, hopefully, have a good team of beta readers, editors, proof readers, friends and family, who have and will continue to support you by telling you what works and what doesn't. It's important to look back and think "I have five books published, I've been nominated for an award, I sold 10,000 copies so far." It will boost your own self confidence and will probably silence your gremlin for a little while.

Finally, remember that while it is important to question your work and to strive for the best you can do, sometimes your inner critic can bring up a good point. It is important to not allow them to dictate your every move in both your professional life as well as your personal one, as that can sometimes mean the end of your career. As a writer, you are creating from nothing and breathing life into the characters and plot with your words. It's not an easy job, and it takes a lot of hard work, so try to go easy on yourself and not let the remarks of your gremlin stop you from doing something you love. I know that Neil almost cost me my career and I'm glad that another writer was kind enough to share her technique for dealing with her Neil before I had let him overpower my mind and stunt my creativity. Good luck, and remember that whoever you are, you're awesome, don't let anyone tell you any different!

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My Internal Critic: How Neil Affected My Career - The Creative Process

 (Neil the Gremlin drawn by Paris)

My Internal Critic: How Neil Affected My Career

Everyone has some kind of internal critic, no matter what their occupation or hobbies are. For some people it's debilitating and they are unable to continue or move forward because their critic's voice is so loud that they're unable to hear anything else. For other people it's something they have worked around and it's just a quiet mumbling at the back of their mind. And for others, it's something in between. My internal critic is a gremlin I've named Neil, for no other reason than he sounds like a Neil to me. He isn't as loud as he used to be, and his voice does not cripple me as much as it has in the past, but he still manages to affect my writing life (and other parts too!)

When I first started writing in 2001, I was really pleased with what I had done with both THE FRIENDSHIP TRIANGLE and BLACKOUT and my plan was to approach publishers. I was young and inexperienced and I didn't know that I would most likely need an agent to even get a publisher to look at my manuscripts. However, I got responses, all of them rejections, but one or two had taken the time to read BLACKOUT and told me that it was good and they recommended I get an agent. That was when Neil started to come to life in regards to my writing. I'm sure you've all had that voice whispering in your head telling you that you're not good enough and he'd always been present in mine. Well, that's when Neil decided to target my writing.

"You can't write," he would say. "They rejected you so you might as well give up now!" I was determined though, that I would do something with my life since I could no longer hold down a conventional job and if that meant I had to deal with rejection, then so be it. I ignored Neil and started writing the first DYING THOUGHTS book. It took me a long time to finish it because as I got towards the end, and more rejection letters came through the door, I decided that Neil was right and I couldn't be a published author. So, I closed the folder on DYING THOUGHTS and went about my life.

Now for the next bit, I need to go back a little. I started writing DYING THOUGHTS in 2003 and had been sending it chapter by chapter to a friend of mine in the US. She was my first beta reader and enjoyed reading along with the story as I wrote it. In the middle of 2003, I stopped writing it because my gremlin had convinced me that I was no good. I went to the US in January 2004 and finally got to meet my online friend face to face. Her first words? "What happens to Tara??!?! I'm desperate to know!!" I took it as a good sign and it boosted my self confidence so I got my best friend, B, to email me what I'd written so far, and there in the hotel I started to finish the first DYING THOUGHTS book. I ignored all talk from my gremlin until it was finished and my friend was happy to finally be able to read the ending.

With my self-esteem in regards to writing a little higher than usual and Neil sent to the dark recesses of my mind, I set about writing the second DYING THOUGHTS book almost the moment I finished the first. It was a mistake, because I became so caught up in Tara's world that I started to dislike having to write about her. I found myself overcome more and more with disinterest and writer's block, and Neil reappeared. He was as vicious as ever and able to convince me, once again that if nothing else, I needed a break and I needed to see BLACKOUT published in some form before I could be happy with writing anything else.

This was late 2004 and once again I approached agents and publishers with my manuscript. My health was declining and things didn't look good for a few months when I was very sick with my Brittle Asthma. I decided that I needed to take things into my own hands and as if by magic, I was approached by AuthorHouse. A self-publishing company who promised to get my book into print. It wasn't the way I initially wanted, but faced with the prospect of not being well enough to write anymore and the need to achieve *something* I found the money and pressed ahead.

BLACKOUT was released in paperback on August 10th 2005 and with renewed vigour I picked up DYING THOUGHTS - SECOND SIGHT and it was full steam ahead. The rest of the story you all know. I left AuthorHouse after a year and went on to be an indie author through the label Bug Books. The point of telling you all of this is to say that although I have learnt to ignore the majority of what Neil says, I still have moments where he's been telling me how awful a writer I am, that I'm a fraud to call myself an author and other negative things. I'll find myself phoning my editor and saying "don't read this, it's crap! You'll hate it!" and be reassured that while not perfect, it is a good book. He is a gremlin that haunts me at times, but if I'd listened to him instead of the people around me, I would still be sat with a half finished book and gotten nowhere.

This is my story of Neil, my writing gremlin, and how he has affected my career. He sometimes escapes from his cage and pops up, but in my next post, I will talk about how I deal with him when that happens. I am proud to say that I'm a writer, I create from nothing and will continue to do so, no matter what Neil tells me!

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